To meet or not to meet (Last!)

Tuesday came around and I'm seated in the lobby with LLB, bringing him up to date on the issue. He was very amused by the reaction coming from VG as he did not expect the guy to be so a shallow. Freddie and Myles were in the Boardroom, in another committee meeting with the CEO and some doctors. And VG. Anyway, 9.30am and they're still in there.

A little befo0re 10am and Myles came out, followed by Freddie. I was in a short skirt and a long tailored blouse so, of course, his eyes wandered from my face to my legs. (I was titillated.)

We proceeded to the Boardroom and our own meeting commenced. of course, it turned out to be a "Get Emyn" spree, with Mega leading the tirade. But being such amateurs at this sort of thing, they easily failed in their attacks.

The first issue raised was about the list of participants in an orientation seminar. Lucy brought it up because she allegedly received complaints from supervisors that they were not informed that members of their staff were to participate in said seminar. She then cited a memo from Dr. P, the committee chairman, requiring that a list of participants be released o or before the 24th of last month, which requirement was never complied with.

I drafted that memo which also assigned RDG and Myles to making the list. It turns out that there was such a list but it was never released. It was given to the committee secretariat which, instead of releasing the list to all departments, simply called up the individuals named in the list and informed them over the phone that they were participating in the seminar. Also, Myles' list of clinical personnel came in a day late, but this was with the knowledge and approval of RDG. It wasn't easy to fix nurses' schedules.

My first question was: Who among the department supervisors made the complaint to Lucy.

As Lucy could not name anyone and, instead, kept hedging the question, it was made apparent that there was no one. Realizing that her argument had been blocked, she turned to the issue of the deadline which Myles failed to comply with. I immediately countered this with the fact that RDG himself gave Myles an extension of one day within which to submit her list, thus, making the issue of the deadline moot and academic.

My other counter-arguments:

1. The list was not an important element, as there was a memo that was circulated informing the supervisors that a seminar was being scheduled on such and such a date, and requiring employees to participate.
2. Not receiving any instructions as to choosing who among his or her staff members were to participate in said seminar, a supervisor need only pick up the phone and inquire from the persons named in the memo (i.e., RDG and/or Myles).
3. Or, in the alternative, such supervisor can always ask his or her staff members if they had received word regarding attending the seminar.

In other words, I emphasized that it only took a little bit of logic to solve the dilemma.

Unfortunately, Mega remarked that it was not a question of logic but of tradition. He based his argument on the fact that, in the past, lists were always released. That was the custom and in his opinion, should always be upheld. It was not clear whether he had evidence that this custom was effective, or that it was precisely and merely that, customary.

I was, needless to say, aghast at such brushing off of logic.

Mega followed this up with the claim that all decisions made by top management had always been arrived at after reaching a consensus, unlike the present wherein all decisions were made by -- Emyn, who else.

My question: cite at least one instance when Emyn made a crucial decision without consulting the committee.

VG cited as an example the holding of a committee socials which was set that coming Thursday. I saw Freddie give a perceptible start and kept my mouth shut. Freddie strongly opposed him there. Myles seconded with stronger emphasis on hearing Dr. P say that he thought it was a good idea, and didn't VG hear that statement?

At this point, Freddie addressed Mega's claim of tradition, stating that customs were good but there were times that changes needed to be introduced to further improve the organization. Sensing that he wasn't going to get anywhere down that road with Freddie, a doctor and an officer of the hospital, no less, Mega switched to not being informed of any of the committee meetings.

Myles confronted him directly with the fact that RDG had always informed him of these meetings not just once but several times in the past. And, as a surprising move for Myles, asked RDG pointblank to confirm this, which RDG did. I was watching their faces all this time: Mega was being surly; Myles was extremely hot and angry; and RDG was beginning to show exasperation.

Mega, however, had another shot: he had ever been given copies of any of the committee reports (which, as everyone knew, I had all drafted). I almost laughed when RDG and Myles almost exasperatedly said that they were all on the network server.

VG was not to be silenced so easily as he tried to save the argument: the files were all protected by a password, which Mega seconded. I'm sure they did not miss the disbelieving looks RDG, Myles, and I exchanged. That was, I think, what silenced them finally, not the diplomatic close that Freddie provided. After all, what was so difficult in picking up a phone and asking me, the author of the report, what the password was? I had given the passwords to RDG, the vice chair, so he could open the files and print out copies for the committee chair and members. Should he decide to save on paper and have the members just access the reports from the network themselves, that was no longer my concern; I was not its secretariat nor was I responsible for the secretariat.

In fact, at that point, I was so extremely frustrated with the entire committee that I decided to ignore it completely (or maybe as much as I could) and just concetrate on my sub-committee (composed of Myles, Freddie, LLB, and myself). Of course, I've relented since then.

I closed with an apology to the entire committee for having stepped on people's toes, albeit unintentionally, and reminded them that I've only been with the hospital for five months and so, still learning the ins and outs. I apologized to VG and even offered a written apology. Obviously flattered, he very shyly rejected the idea. Being such a naive idiot, he missed out on the sarcasm that followed when I offered to furnish copies to the CEO and the members of the Board.

There was laughter all around but it was only Myles, Freddie, and LLB truly got what I was driving at. In any case, that broke the tension. Ever the facilitator, or so he likes to think, Freddie brought up the socials on Thursday. I put on a big grin on my face and engaged RDG on issue of the menu. As an animated conversation ensued among RDG, Myles, Freddie, LLB, and even Lucy (who was apparently trying to appear genuinely involved), I saw Mega out of the corner of my eye, slinking away. I had this image of a flee-bitten dog crawling away with its tail between its legs. Unfair to dogs, really, but, there.

Parenthetically, the socials was a big hit. Everyone was there, including the CEO and his wife. Mega, of course, was a no-show, but everyone had a lot of fun. The after-party was a lot more fun but I reserve that for another post.

What was the lesson learned here? Strengthen your base first, before confronting the enemy. And once you have confronted the enemy, make sure that he sees how strong your base can get. Practical effect: he may no longer wish to engage you in battle. Which is precisely what happened here: a few days after the meeting, RDG informs Myles and myself that Mega had quit the committee. Not a major victory, really, as he wasn't much of a challenge. Still, one idiot less to deal with is always a good thing.

As for VG, he's still plodding slowly along, looking more and more idiotic everyday, uttering stupid remarks now and again. Myles, who used to look up to him, could not believe how threatened he could get and, thus, shallow and resistant to change. I have not changed how I behave with them; I still deal with them light-heartedly, with a sweet smile on my face. I have not shown my courtroom manner again, after that meeting. It obviously took them aback to see how confrontative I could get.

IM Chat 2: Cliff

Me: Hiya! Back from the snow covered peaks? How was the vacation?

Cliff: Yes, back from the snow covered peaks. Lots of snow. Lots of fun skiing down between trees and impossibly steep things. Got sore. Daughter had fun.

Me: That's good.

Cliff: Miss you.

Me: Miss you too. Can’t wait.

Cliff: Still a week away.

Me: I know. Too slow.

Cliff: Listen. I feel like I have this great need to talk to you, but I can't really say what it is that I need to talk about. Maybe this is connected to the urge to talk to you.

Me: Talk about what? Or just simply connect?

Cliff: But I don't really have a theme or coherent meaning to convey.

Me: No problem. Just go ahead.

Cliff: Maybe just need to get things off my chest. First of all, I feel like I want to actually talk. I don't know about this typing as a good way to do it.

Me: Only one way to find out.

Cliff: Bullets... The way people (me, I suppose) plow through life without stopping to deal with issues that trouble them.

• The need to be happy
• The attraction of experience and things vs. letting go of all attachment or desire.
• The potential to be happy with the strangest damn conditions and the difficulty of accepting those conditions and myself, for that matter.
• The ambiguity of the future and the looming image of inevitable broken-heartedness.
• The irritation with those around me who have various problems that just won't improve and that they don't take seriously enough to try to improve, leaving me just wanting to be done with them.
• The forces that tug at me between just rolling with whatever comes and trying to make sense of and control the details of life so that I am provident about my future - and these are real strong centers of gravity, not just minor perturbations.

Me: I think it's called mid-life crisis.

Cliff:

• The fact that a bigger and bigger part of my consciousness is on the other side of the world when I am here and that a huge part is always here no matter where I am.
• The fact that as I find myself spread across all these issues with no real resolution to the incongruities, no way to make sense out of the chaotic elements, that I am losing my own center in space and having to rely only on the other center of my spirit.

Vertigo. That is - I think - all the bullets, for the moment.

Me: Don’t you feel that you need to stop for a while and make sense of all these vital issues?

Cliff: Stop?

Me: Take a break from work, from everyone. Go off on your own. Find your center. That sort of thing.

Cliff: Goodness, no. Stopping disengages me from them and only by continuing on can I stay connected to them so that I have a chance of resolving them. I think the "off on my own" thing is something I have got to do every step of every day. It is hard. I haven't figured out how yet.

Me: I mean put some distance between yourself and the people who are involved in all these issues. And take stock.

Cliff: That would be you, my wife, the kids, my clients, my dog, my friends....not really gonna happen.

Me: You don’t think it'll help?

Cliff: I have to learn how to take stock on the fly.

Me: That’s too much. The price you pay is not worth the effort.

Cliff: Life will not stop without me and it won't stop for me. So, I got to deal... Maybe the talking to you is taking stock. Maybe I need a shrink. I think I pay the price if I am on my own in the wilderness or if I am not. The price is what it costs to be alive and aware.

Me: Why a shrink?

Cliff: A shrink? So, I can move beyond just processing this stuff to deciding about it and finding where I need to stand.

Me: And you need professional help to do that?

Cliff: Because I think I am supposed to stand somewhere. Or, maybe I am just supposed to roll with it and standing is for fools.

Me: No, you know you need to decide and take a stand. Putting it off makes it worse.

Cliff: Professional in the sense that the person is objective and informed and insightful and because they have no involvement with me will have to be paid to spend the time I need. Let me back up a minute. You think I do need to take a stand?

Me: Yes, as I think the problem starts and ends with making a decision.

Cliff: You know, I think I am afraid of the decisions that I would like to make because they are unorthodox and maybe don't look like decisions in other's eyes. And, I don't want to be fooling myself if they aren't real decisions either.

Me: does it matter what other people think? Are you afraid to appear to be escaping?

Cliff: Yes, that would be one fear. The other would be the fear of throwing the baby out with the bath water because I won't encompass shades of grey but insist that things are black and white.

Me: So there's your problem. You don’t want to recognize the shades of grey.

Cliff: My problem is that I don't want to be wrong.

Me: I know how that feels. But it can’t really be helped. Every decision you make, you take a risk.

Cliff: Accepting too many shades of grey is wimping out and settling for a compromise or an attempt to have your cake and eat it too. Rejecting any shades of grey results in simplistic thinking and needless loss, lack of creative solution finding, etc.

Me: So there has to be a balance. Isn’t that what life is all about? Achieving a balance? The decisions we make earlier in life create problems in the future. Our later decisions bring back balance to our life caused by our earlier decisions.

Cliff: Well, let me go back to my first bullet, "The way people (me, I suppose) plow through life without stopping to deal with issues that trouble them", and see what kind of balance I can strike. I have simply tried to carry on though I am deeply dissatisfied by my current relationship with my wife. Why? Because we have grown up together and have an enormous amount invested in each other and in the family we created. Yet, there is real shit wrong here!

Me: Yes, and you both know that. Even your kids sense that. So it's now time to take a stand. And you're having a real problem doing that… or getting there.

Cliff: But, I am not deciding on a course, just waiting for more developments. Maybe you are right. Yes, because I just can't be the cause of all the pain. I can't because I promised myself I wouldn't do harm the way my father did.

Me: Pain and sorrow, loss and suffering are all caused by some form of imbalance... and you are not your father. You’re a good man and a great dad. You can't see life in black and white. You do everyone a disservice if you persist in doing so, including yourself.

Cliff: So, then what to do? If I stop trying to get through each day and say, "wait a minute. This has got to be dealt with,” then I have to deal with all the other bullets I spat out just now.

Me: That's the whole idea. They’re all connected. You can’t deal with life piecemeal. And all these issues have piled up all these years. It’s time to deal with all of them.

Cliff: I find it hard to put into words the direction I could see myself taking. I think there is some fear or resistance about it. Maybe just that I haven't a clue whether I am crazy or even know what I am talking about.

Me: Are you? Don’t you?

Cliff: Let me try it out on you....and this is not anything more than a directional notion, half-baked, and just an idea about what I would like to do if I could wave a magic wand.

Me: Shoot.

Cliff: There are some contextual elements to list as parameters to breach or honor, but if I try to honor them I would try for this scenario, but the parameters first:

• I do love my wife and always will. But, it won't be more than platonic going forward, like a sister or dear, dear friend or close relative.


• I am coming aware of the fact that as she rediscovers her libido, I don't want that kind of relationship with her anymore. I don't, I never have, fantasized about sex with her and now I realize why. We never had that kind of chemistry, but just went through the motions and got real good at it.


• Yet, my wife is dependent upon me and for good reason. She gave her life to creating a home and family and she cannot financially survive on her own. We have a lot of affection for one another and don't drive each other nuts. In other words, we are not driven apart by our needs or personalities, but we aren't really qualified as lovers either.


• Finally, I don't know what is happening with her mental (or maybe it's physical) health, so I won't abandon her.

But, if I could have my way, I would be "divorced in place", if you will. I think we could simply be housemates for a time, maybe forever. But, I don't want to play a charade of a relationship in which she never gets her needs met, nor do I.

With different expectations in place, I want to work diligently at my profession and travel as I need. Mostly, I want to be free to develop the kind of loving relationship I have with you, where every time we talk, I get aroused, where I do fantasize because the chemistry is there, where I have the kind of companionship for recreational adventure that I crave.

I just don't want to cause destruction to have this and I don't know whether this is really a possible relationship for another person trying to deal with me. I am thinking that to make this work, I would likely need to change the structure of my living situation a lot. Downsize the house, cut costs, and cut the amount of personal time needed by me to manage it. A condo, let's say. Maybe a duplex house, half for my wife and half for me.

I want to develop my work in Asia because it is the direction of the world, my contacts are there now and so are you!!!

Me: You said: "I don't know whether this is really a possible relationship for another person trying to deal with me." What do you mean by that?

Cliff: Let me put it to you this way: if I am living in this kind of situation, with a platonic housemate with whom I am likely to continue a shared residence no matter what is going on in my life, would you want to be involved with me? I think that there are women who would prize the kind of independent relationship, where they don't talk marriage and they don't try living together because their lives are just too full of other obligations to make that work, but who really like to be together with the love of their life and do as much as they can together, given the circumstances. Am I nuts?

Me: No, as I don’t feel that marriage is for me. I just want to be with people I love. I want to have a child and if it's going to be with you, then that would be such a plus in my life. I do see that kind of relationship working for us. I dunno. Maybe I’m the one who's nuts. I’m the one who revels in all the shades of gray. I celebrate grey! I live for grey! LOL!

Cliff: Your middle name is grey.

Me: Emyn Grey.

Cliff: I love you

Me: Love you too!

Cliff: Who knows? My wife might reject such a scheme, as she is a black/white thinker.

Me: I’m sure she will. What then?

Cliff: But, as she develops her own interests, she might evolve. I don't think she is physically attracted to me anymore. She might even be gay and has speculated on it a bit, but thinks she is bisexual at heart. The more that she considers these things and the fact that I am not the kind of person who will be as devoted to constant interaction as she needs, the more I think she may opt for other means to meet her needs.

Me: Yes, that's a possibility.

Cliff: She has an interesting ability to see a very big picture and make intellectual choices that straddle many needs. However, if she really wants something specific, she is never happy that she has compromised no matter how powerful the logic she tries to operate by.

Me: So what are the possible outcomes?

Cliff: We live essentially divorced-in-place. Or, she rejects the idea and wants out of the household as well as the marriage. Or, she has a miraculous turnabout that makes her very happy an attracted to me, in a way that wins my trust and my heart and we enter a new phase in life. Or, we carry on awkwardly for a time until she finds a new relationship and arrangement and we split formally at that point.

Me: Which is the most probable?

Cliff: The second and the last ones, I think are the most probable, followed by the first and then the third. And, I don't want to wait around for the third option because I have been doing that for many years and not profitably for anyone.

Me: So how are these probable going to happen? Are you going to wait for things to further develop? Or are you going to take positive action?

Cliff: I need to see what this trip and her deep dive into a world of art that is really right for her do for her; where this experience leaves her. I need to get my daughter situated at college in September. The former will give me information. The latter marks the point at which I would feel free to take action. However, she and I could arrive at a decision before September, based on what she has learned and based on me getting more convicted of my parameters for the relationship.

I am very convinced, but I have not lived with the explicit acceptance of it long enough yet. I need to say it to someone.... you....and perhaps another trusted friend.

Me: So now there's structure to the whole thing. I feel better about it....

Cliff: Tell me more.

Me: I don’t feel like I’m floating somewhere in your life, adrift, no real value, no real identity in your life. I feel very ....real. I feel I have more meaning, or am now a more rounded person. I have an added aspect to me. And, yes, talking about the whole thing with another person will give you more perspective on the issue/s.

Cliff: You would have a place because I would be formalizing a basis for an explicit relationship with you.

Me: Ah, yes! My own corner of the sky

Cliff: And, I realize that by covering this issue, I have addressed all the bullets that I spat out before. They were all about giving myself permission to have what I want - not materially - but psychologically. To meet my needs, to respond to my temperament.

Me: Aha! So typing DOES help!

Cliff: Yeah, it does after all.

Me: Do you feel better?

Cliff: Yes, I do.

Me: Good.

Cliff: I feel more at peace. Thank you.

Me: I would really love to fuck you right now

Cliff: Oh yes. PLEASE! Several times over.

Me: Me on top!

Cliff: I want to suck you first. I want to lick you

Me: Just pleasing you and grinding down on you

Cliff: MMMmmmm

Me: It’s been too long.

Cliff: So, here is a speculative question. Under the scenario that I have painted, and assuming that by the time my Philippine work comes to an end you have not gotten sick of me, would you consider relocating to be close by?

Me: Relocate...residence? Work?

Cliff: I know. All that and more, I suppose. I don't know what is real. But, I have this fantasy that I end up moving to the West Coast because I love it and because it is closer to Asia. Perhaps even further into the realm of fantasy, if you remember we were playing at the notion of working together after you build your credentials as a change agent/OD type at the hospital. In which case, we would be traveling together, I guess. But, I don't do all my work in Asia and who knows where the future goes. Anyway, I am not trying to commit you to something, just wondering if it is in the realm of possibilities.

Me: Relocating would not be a problem, I suppose. It’s just a question of what's possible and if all my professional obligations have been fulfilled. And, yes, "realm of possibilities" sounds good.

Cliff: This is what I love about you...I don't feel like I am crazy.

Me: Maybe because we're both crazy!!!!

Cliff: In the same way. How convenient.

Me: Yes, extremely. And I am looking forward to sharing a life with you, no matter how unorthodox.

Cliff: We are sharing life already. And, it is kind of unorthodox.

Me: It's exciting and strange and exotic and promising in all aspects--all on a very individual level. I mean, the "couple" concept is so different.

Cliff: Yes, I think I get that. Though, it has been so long since I wasn't a couple. Emyn, the road from here is going to be bumpy and unpredictable. I don't really know what will happen, though I am clearer about what I want. I don't know what my clients will do. I don't know if you would really thrive in my geography.

We would need to explore more than sex and intellect together to learn how far we can go into a coupled relationship. Though, if we don't have a script for what it's supposed to look like, then wherever we get to will be fine, I guess. If I ended up with constant work in Manila and was there every month, had an apartment and we have the relationship we have now only more consistent and with more time together each month, would you also be happy with that?

Me: Yes, I’d be happy with that. I’ve thrived in various geographies before, although not as radical as your eastern states but I’m sure that my adaptive skills won’t let me down in the future. And yes we have to explore other frontiers in our relationship. I like exploring. I like being on this ride called life…although in my case, it's called the starship enterprise. LOL!

Cliff: I could teach you kayaking and hiking, mountain biking. You could teach me badminton. And also Tagalog.

Me: And I could teach you basic life-saving protocols, like when someone gets a severe attack of asthma because of all the kayaking and hiking and biking on top of all that fucking. LOL!

Cliff: Oh yes. And, promise me that you will stay in shape and I will too. We are going to want our stamina.

Me: I can’t wait to be with you again

Cliff: I leave on Saturday morning. Can you come a bit earlier on Friday? Maybe in time for dinner?

Me: You're coming home to me. Isn’t that great! I’ll leave early on Friday. Be there by 7 or 8pm.

Cliff: I want to have long lazy sex with you. In the morning I want to eat breakfast and then go back to bed with you until lunch and just languish around in each other. After lunch, more of the same.

Me: mmmmmmm.....

Cliff: I have a meeting until 7, so 7:30 to 8 would be perfect.

Me: Ok, I’ll see you then. Bye, sweetie.

Cliff: Have a nice lunch.

To meet or not to meet...(3)

Monday morning, and I'm in Dr. P's office, describing to him VG's odd request for a meeting on a committee issue but restricted to only a few of the members. Dr. P promised to attend. He looked a bit nervous, though. He had that wary look in his eyes that said he didn't want to disappoint me but didn't feel that he should be involved. Ok. I can deal with that. Anyway, I took him at his word.

The whole day, I didn't work at my desk. VG didn't come in that morning. Some meeting or other. But RDG kept on sending me text messages, asking me to a meeting. I kept dodging him and hid in Myles' office. In the afternoon, I left for the bus station to meet OJF, a good friend who'd been hired by the hospital as the assistant HR manager. I did inform RDG earlier that I was going to meet her and help her move in.

So that day was spent hiding from the stupid idiots who can't deal with the world coming into their safe, little havens.

Too bad.

To be continued...

IM chat 1: Cliff

I was chatting with Cliff the other day. Gadz, but I miss him!

Me: hi there! how are you?

Cliff: good. And you?

Me: fine thanks. what have you been up to?

Cliff: Puttering around the house, getting exercise and working at night

Me: how late do you stay up

Cliff: Oh, I get to bed about 11 pm every night. It is just that Globe people are all at work and there is so much to get done for them. This is an optimum time to be in touch.

Me: makes sense

Cliff: I have so much I want to talk to you about. Email and IM won't really do for any depth, though

Me: oh? what about?

Cliff: My wife kind of wigged out a few days ago. It was a near complete disassociation from rationality

Me: whoa

Cliff: It has happened a few times over the years, but more lately. She goes from being rock solid normal to loopy. It happens for a few hours a couple of times a month. She recognizes that she has a problem and although she has sought help before to no avail, she is - and I am - looking in earnest for a good full-fledged shrink. Anyway, its very unsettling. I also have some growing insights into what I want in my relationships and how I wish that I could do marriage in a very different way. So, just a few things on my mind.

Me: yeah IM and email wont do those topics justice. I just wish we're closer to each other physically. I feel so helpless being so far away. I’m sorry.

Cliff: Hey... don't feel bad. I feel helpless and I am right here. She is leaving for an intensive weeklong art workshop in Mexico on Saturday and I am so relieved.

Me: ah yes. the art week

Cliff: Ellen and I will go skiing and snow boarding for 3.5 days while she is gone.

Me: that sounds good.

Cliff: I might be able to IM from my Treo.

Me: don’t worry about me. have fun with your daughter

Cliff: I feel like I want to sit down and get thoroughly stoned for about 4 hours. Not with my daughter. With just me, sitting and looking at all the snow covered scenery and eating a little bit of chocolate or this wonderful organic peanut butter infused with blended raisins and cinnamon.

Me: mmmmm....yummy

Cliff: After my 4 hours of solitudinous stoned state, I would then like to wander into your bedroom, stark naked and fuck until we can't see straight. Then I would like to sleep and have you stroke me gently to wake me up and kiss me for about 15 minutes.

Me: mmmmm.....yummier

Cliff: Then I think I would be ready for breakfast. How about you?

Me: mmmmmm.....

Cliff: Yeah. Me too. Oh Emyn. What a state to be in.

Me: hang in there

Cliff: Thanks.

Me: something's bound to come up
Me: or give

Cliff: It is great having your support and being one I can talk to about this. There is no other friend or relative for that. I did tell my doctor about you, though.

Me: your doctor?

Cliff: He is truly a great man.

Me: why your doctor?

Cliff: Yea. I had a full physical and decided to just put on the table with him that I thought the amount of Zoloft I am on is inhibiting my ability to hit an orgasm during sex a bit too much. He wanted to know how I was doing in general and this came up.

Me: aha

Cliff: I told him about my wife's state and that I he knew we weren't having sex. He asked me to get an HIV test and said that he wondered if I would find myself falling out of love with her and progressively more in love with you. Other than that, he was so accepting and encouraging of me taking care of myself and finding my way.

Me: HIV? is that a symptom of HIV?

Cliff: Well, he just felt that anytime someone has a lover outside of a monogamous relationship it was wise to monitor yourself. There are no symptoms, but what do you mean?

Me: I kinda thought it was cool with you that you didn't cum so easily

Cliff: It is. It has been. But, I had increased my dosage of Zoloft about 6 months ago, and I think that the build up in my system is taking it a bit too far. So, he wants to transition me to another drug: wellbutrin. My daughter is on it and thinks its better. So, I have begun the shift. And, so far I have noticed a shift in my libido (not that I needed any) toward an increase. Now, maybe that will also have an orgasm impact, I dunno. Hey...you can help me find out!

Me: great

Cliff: Did you get worried about the HIV test?

Me: well...yeah. needless of course but

Cliff: He doesn't know you and I was going through a battery of tests for PSA and cholesterol anyway. It's all the same blood

Me: I know. might as well right

Cliff: fine with me. I think it demonstrated common sense to him and a guarding of my family's interest.

Me: of course. I was just being paranoid

Cliff: About getting infected from me?

Me: I dunno. I just got paranoid. you know what I was doing before I met you. back then I was being careful but one never knows

Cliff: Well, I didn't tell the doctor about any of that. Yet, I think he just is in that medical space that says, "multiple sex partners , hmm, increased risk, hmm, might as well order up a test to be safe".

Me: I realize that

Cliff: I wasn't offended. What I most experienced with him was the way he used this rare opportunity to sit with me for an extended period of time and catch up on me holistically. He was non-judgmental and supportive. He was open and truly interested. It was a relief to tell someone about us.

Me: that's always a good thing. I know how that feels

Cliff: Have you gotten tested? Would that help you be free of anxiety?

Me: yes I have. a few months ago, early this year. I always helps but I’m not anxious about you, no… early last year, it was… not this year

Cliff: I know you aren't anxious about me. And I prize that you are so conscientious.

Me: thanks

Cliff: Can't we just hug now? Cliff: When we get together, I want to hug and enter you but not move for 5 minutes. I just want to be immersed.

Me: mmmmm...

Cliff: I don't feel emotionally at ease where I am in life and you are an oasis. Well, I am chatted out, I think. I am sitting here looking pleasantly at your little smiley faces and just not thinking. Hey....

Me: yes

Cliff: There is one thing.

Me: yes

Cliff: You were trying to tell me about something you were excited about at work last week when you lost connection. What was that

Me: 1. we finally got the doctors' group to sit down and work. 2. I got to the board of directors, at least 3 influential members, and presented a new structure for doctors' privileges. so now the board is working and moving in the direction I want it to go

Cliff: Wow!

Me: at least at first impression. I dunno how far and how long they'll work that way

Cliff: What kind of privileges?

Me: admitting privileges in the hospital for medical consultants

Cliff: Oh yes. The Cesarean issue

Me: yeah but that's just a small part of it. its the entire rewards and punishment set up

Cliff: Now that is deep.

Me: like, if the doctors don’t do what the hospital wants them to do, they don’t get to use the hospital facilities. Simple. finally the board sees it my way. I only hope it lasts

Cliff: What persuaded them

Me: reason, logic, the entire quality assurance structure, the iso accreditation. and other factors going my way, altho I’m not in the know. top top management stuff

Cliff: Make sure you also try to hook them by what they value subjectively; what they feel is vital like "rice bowl", reputation, legacy, overall hospital performance, real life impact on clients

Me: yeah, I’m formulating strategies based on those things

Cliff: What about your camera

Me: I still will buy a canon powershot. but I’m waiting for the price of the canon to go down remember

Cliff: We could video us doing it too

Me: I was planning on it. I have a Sony camcorder

Cliff: I love it.

Me: my sister's. I borrowed it. so you just wait

Cliff: I want to get a real good genital interaction shot so that you can see what I see.

Me: oooooh yeah

Cliff: Then we can watch it while we do it again. Well, with these arousing and pleasant thoughts, I should drift on downstairs and see what's happening.

Me: ok...

Cliff: Though I hate to sign off. Have a good day.

Me: u 2

He's flying in on the 13th and leaving on the 27th. That'll give us two consecutive weekends. What fun! LOL!