Missing Freddy

Over text messaging:

Me: I've been working on the implementing rules and regulations on hospital deposits and progress payments all week. This is no fun. :( Hope you're having fun. No fair.

Freddy: I'm working on our convention myself. Kaya mo 'yan! God bless!

Me: :P

Shut out

This is another incident during the meeting mentioned in the last post.

While we were waiting for the attendees to filter in, Freddy chatted away with CP and his wife, TP. Apparently, their kids are in the same school and the same class.

From what I could hear, Freddy's child gave a birthday treat for the class: pizza. And CP and TP's boy had two slices of pizza; he was the only one who asked for seconds. So this is probably very young children they were talking about.

I felt embarrassed to be exposed to such intimate details of Freddy's life. Family life, that is. I felt like I was eavesdropping on something that I was not privvy to hear.

At the same time, I felt jealous of the P's that they shared this slice of Freddy's life. Of course, I've always known that I occupy only a very small portion of his life and that I don't carry that much weight in terms of his priorities.

It hurts, nonetheless, that I am shut out of the life of someone who is so important to me.

It doesn't help that Freddy triggers all my heartaches.

Lungkot

Lungkot is the Filipino word for sadness. That is what I felt this morning as I watched, out of the corner of my eye, as Freddy stared at me.

He was seated across me at the conference table. To all the world, my attention seemed caught up in my boss who was introducing the agenda. But I could see Freddy from out of the corner of my eye and felt a stab of loneliness as he turned to look at me, the look turning into a stare.

His eyes seemed to take in my face; I felt them on me, literally. And it made me feel so sad.

I kept my face immobile, staring with fixed attention at my boss. All throughout that meeting, I kept my eyes on whomever it was I was speaking to; never at him. At one point, I shared in a joke with those beside him and I turned my head and caught him looking at me.

Nakakalungkot.

Because if he were mine and he gave me that look, I would have caressed his face and given him a soft kiss. I would have hugged him and whispered "I love you!" in his ear as I fixed his tie (it had twisted around in the meantime).

Sweet. Tender. Silly.

Extremely out of reach.

This is the worst mood swing ever.

Sweetness itself

It's been sometime since Freddy made my heart beat a little faster.

We were supposed to meet yesterday afternoon on the new policies that our doctors' group has been working on. I received a call from Freddy in the morning asking to reschedule the meeting to today at 3 p.m. Since it was not an urgent matter, I agreed.

This morning, I receive another call from him, asking -- again -- for a reschedule to early Monday morning. He opened the conversation with a question: Would I kill him if he asked to reschedule the meeting?

Of course, I said yes, without even waiting for him to finish the question. I was playful, really, and his tone of voice changed to the sweetest I've ever heard him speak in. Would I really kill him? he asked.

It turned me to butter. I just wanted to take him in my arms and kiss his face all over.

Makes me now wonder if my tone of voice changed as well. I hope it did. I'm sure it did. I wonder how I sounded, if I sounded sweet at all.

So, is the "LQ" over? I suppose. It's like having a spoiled child. He is so spoiled with me. I cannot believe that I can spoil someone so much.