Cliff's back: email to Myles

Dearest Myles,

I'm in a state of suspended animation. I have two very strong emotions tugging at me simultaneously: one, the chance to have a very animated and busy personal and professional life with Cliff; and two, a very sedate and frustrating life working with Freddy.

The only reason why I keep Freddy on my mind is the potential for romance, something which is very absent with my relationship with Cliff. Cliff isn't just a romantic guy. He is very scared of true and deep emotional intimacy because of his fear of loss. His childhood trauma has scarred him deeply but he is seeing a therapist about it. It has been only recently that he's realized that he has been suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder -- from the abandonment of an alcoholic and abusive father, to the emotional abuse he received from his mother, to the decisions he has made in his life, including the choice of the woman he married.

Now, as to the last one, regarding his wife, he has finally admitted to himself, and to her, that the marriage was a mistake. He'd known his wife since they were in high school together. He married her because of his mom. In his own words, Cliff chose to marry his wife as a reaction to his mother. Cliff's wife was everything his mother wasn't. But the wife was extremely co-dependent on Cliff to the extent that she never took on the responsibility to end the marriage, despite the fact that she was getting hurt in the relationship.

According to Cliff, he realized that he had been the controlling and dominant one in the partnership, if you could call it that. He dominated and controlled with the goal of creating this picture-perfect life that he never had with his parents. It was all done in a state of desperation that, later on, became a state of denial in the face of the fact that it wasn't working out.

It's all very simple really, although the events that led him to this realization were very convoluted. It was a lifetime of complexities and cover-ups and just plain lying to oneself.

After his wife learned about me, she and Cliff discussed the options available: either work on improving the marriage or divorce. It was also decided at this point that Cliff would not come in contact with me until the marriage had been resolved.

A month ago, Cliff and his entire family went to Hawaii for a family vacation. They stayed there for two weeks. In the middle of that vacation, Cliff decided that, although he has realized what the problem was in his marriage, he could no longer stand to work to improve the relationship with his wife. It was as if the discovery of the root cause carried with the sad realization that the marriage had to end.

So they sat down and talked about it and decided on divorce. Cliff said it was very matter-of-fact: they took out a piece of paper and divided that assets between them. While the lawyer worked on the divorce papers, Cliff would stay in the apartment with his wife.

When they got back to Seattle, Cliff sent me an email informing me of this development. (He and I had not been communicating since July 2006.) Here's the email:

I have reached the end of my journey of discovering whether to terminate my marriage. It has been a slow and deliberate process of trying many things and arriving at certainty that some things just can't be fixed and can't be persisted in as they are.

So, I think I can now consider helping you in your own OD pursuit. I am excited for you and glad that you have held onto this vision because I believe it is right for you. There are several developments in Manila since I saw you last, which could lead to some interesting possibilities that I should share with you.

And, I also am wondering about us. I have missed you a lot and really care for you. You might not have the interest after all that I have put you through. I have certainly caused a lot of turmoil and learned a lot about myself in the process. I think I will bring a different set of insights and dynamics to the relationship. But, what do you think?

I will be back between 4/7 (arriving at 11 pm) and 4/21. I would love to see you, catch up and fill you in on the developments I mentioned above.

Cliff

Of course, there can be no denying that Cliff is interested in picking up the relationship with me where we had left off. But I don't think he was manipulating things in such a way as to make me agree to picking it up again. There are two invitations in that email: to a work relationship and to an exploration of the possibility at a personal relationship. He was not proposing; he was asking what I thought.

Why am I dissecting the email? Because his wife got into Cliff's computer the day before he was scheduled to leave for Manila and deliberately looked for emails addressed to me. When she found this email, she of course blew up at Cliff. She was so angry, she kept trying to hit him and shouting she wished him dead. During all this time, their 19-year-old daughter was witness to the whole thing.

To cut a long story short, the wife asked him to leave the apartment. He rescheduled his travel plans and spent the next day putting all his stuff in storage. He checked into a hotel for the night and left for Manila the next morning. Here's his email:

My contacting you released such a torrent of hatred from my wife that I see how much damage has been done for her for the first time in its full scope.

It isn't all my fault, I know. We see the world and the ethics of relationships in different ways. She feels my message to you was bad as the affair to begin with.

In the end, I have nothing to protect. Not seeing you for any type of relationship no longer matters. She is shutting off all further interaction and I am leaving the apartment we have been sharing like roommates tomorrow for good.

I will come into Manila a day later. But I will make the trip and keep my client commitments.

If you would like to see me it is ok now. I would like to see you.

Cliff

The crux of the matter is the interpretation of the resolution of the marriage. For Cliff, the marriage had been resolved as they had decided to end it. For his wife, nothing was resolved until the divorce was final and Cliff was out of the house.

So there you are.

And where am I in all this? Cliff is still reeling from all this loss. He feels terribly guilty that he has caused his loved ones so much hurt. Although he does not love his wife in the way that she had hoped for, he still loves her as his long-time best friend. There is no hate for her in his heart. The reality is, however, that he had made a mistake and had covered it up for as long as the marriage lasted.

The good news is that he no longer wishes to lie -- to himself or to anybody else. So he has decided that when close friends ask him for the lowdown, he is not going to color anything but instead tell it as it is, including the affair he had and is having with me. He's treating this like Alcoholics Anonymous members are treating their addiction: admitting to it, telling the truth to others about it, and making amends. He refers to a 12-step program for AA members. I'm not familiar with it.

I asked him what he now wants. He says that he wants us to be a couple. As to what that means is something that we would have to discover together. He does not mention anything about traditional long-term relationships like marriage. I don't expect him to -- yet. I expect that he will have to get over this divorce and work at settling down as a divorced person. I understand that that will take a long time.

So how am I going about this?

I've nothing else on the horizon. At least, I'd be working with Cliff and learning from him. That's enough for the meantime. I do care for him. Maybe I can even learn to love him, and teach him to be a little more romantic. But the specter of Freddy as the Pinoy counterpart, the one thing I don't have, is just too frustrating. Everytime I make love to Cliff, I see Freddy in my mind. I keep wondering how sweet Freddy would be, how much sweeter, really.

Isn't it ironic? Here I am., finally getting the courage to love and open myself up to someone, and Cliff just happens to have intimacy problems which will take years to get resolved. And there's no one else!

The entire universe has conspired to keep me from loving and be loved by a man.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to have a heart and only be some cosmic accident was I born. Now that is what I call a sense of humor.

I miss you.