IM chat 1: Cliff

I was chatting with Cliff the other day. Gadz, but I miss him!

Me: hi there! how are you?

Cliff: good. And you?

Me: fine thanks. what have you been up to?

Cliff: Puttering around the house, getting exercise and working at night

Me: how late do you stay up

Cliff: Oh, I get to bed about 11 pm every night. It is just that Globe people are all at work and there is so much to get done for them. This is an optimum time to be in touch.

Me: makes sense

Cliff: I have so much I want to talk to you about. Email and IM won't really do for any depth, though

Me: oh? what about?

Cliff: My wife kind of wigged out a few days ago. It was a near complete disassociation from rationality

Me: whoa

Cliff: It has happened a few times over the years, but more lately. She goes from being rock solid normal to loopy. It happens for a few hours a couple of times a month. She recognizes that she has a problem and although she has sought help before to no avail, she is - and I am - looking in earnest for a good full-fledged shrink. Anyway, its very unsettling. I also have some growing insights into what I want in my relationships and how I wish that I could do marriage in a very different way. So, just a few things on my mind.

Me: yeah IM and email wont do those topics justice. I just wish we're closer to each other physically. I feel so helpless being so far away. I’m sorry.

Cliff: Hey... don't feel bad. I feel helpless and I am right here. She is leaving for an intensive weeklong art workshop in Mexico on Saturday and I am so relieved.

Me: ah yes. the art week

Cliff: Ellen and I will go skiing and snow boarding for 3.5 days while she is gone.

Me: that sounds good.

Cliff: I might be able to IM from my Treo.

Me: don’t worry about me. have fun with your daughter

Cliff: I feel like I want to sit down and get thoroughly stoned for about 4 hours. Not with my daughter. With just me, sitting and looking at all the snow covered scenery and eating a little bit of chocolate or this wonderful organic peanut butter infused with blended raisins and cinnamon.

Me: mmmmm....yummy

Cliff: After my 4 hours of solitudinous stoned state, I would then like to wander into your bedroom, stark naked and fuck until we can't see straight. Then I would like to sleep and have you stroke me gently to wake me up and kiss me for about 15 minutes.

Me: mmmmm.....yummier

Cliff: Then I think I would be ready for breakfast. How about you?

Me: mmmmmm.....

Cliff: Yeah. Me too. Oh Emyn. What a state to be in.

Me: hang in there

Cliff: Thanks.

Me: something's bound to come up
Me: or give

Cliff: It is great having your support and being one I can talk to about this. There is no other friend or relative for that. I did tell my doctor about you, though.

Me: your doctor?

Cliff: He is truly a great man.

Me: why your doctor?

Cliff: Yea. I had a full physical and decided to just put on the table with him that I thought the amount of Zoloft I am on is inhibiting my ability to hit an orgasm during sex a bit too much. He wanted to know how I was doing in general and this came up.

Me: aha

Cliff: I told him about my wife's state and that I he knew we weren't having sex. He asked me to get an HIV test and said that he wondered if I would find myself falling out of love with her and progressively more in love with you. Other than that, he was so accepting and encouraging of me taking care of myself and finding my way.

Me: HIV? is that a symptom of HIV?

Cliff: Well, he just felt that anytime someone has a lover outside of a monogamous relationship it was wise to monitor yourself. There are no symptoms, but what do you mean?

Me: I kinda thought it was cool with you that you didn't cum so easily

Cliff: It is. It has been. But, I had increased my dosage of Zoloft about 6 months ago, and I think that the build up in my system is taking it a bit too far. So, he wants to transition me to another drug: wellbutrin. My daughter is on it and thinks its better. So, I have begun the shift. And, so far I have noticed a shift in my libido (not that I needed any) toward an increase. Now, maybe that will also have an orgasm impact, I dunno. Hey...you can help me find out!

Me: great

Cliff: Did you get worried about the HIV test?

Me: well...yeah. needless of course but

Cliff: He doesn't know you and I was going through a battery of tests for PSA and cholesterol anyway. It's all the same blood

Me: I know. might as well right

Cliff: fine with me. I think it demonstrated common sense to him and a guarding of my family's interest.

Me: of course. I was just being paranoid

Cliff: About getting infected from me?

Me: I dunno. I just got paranoid. you know what I was doing before I met you. back then I was being careful but one never knows

Cliff: Well, I didn't tell the doctor about any of that. Yet, I think he just is in that medical space that says, "multiple sex partners , hmm, increased risk, hmm, might as well order up a test to be safe".

Me: I realize that

Cliff: I wasn't offended. What I most experienced with him was the way he used this rare opportunity to sit with me for an extended period of time and catch up on me holistically. He was non-judgmental and supportive. He was open and truly interested. It was a relief to tell someone about us.

Me: that's always a good thing. I know how that feels

Cliff: Have you gotten tested? Would that help you be free of anxiety?

Me: yes I have. a few months ago, early this year. I always helps but I’m not anxious about you, no… early last year, it was… not this year

Cliff: I know you aren't anxious about me. And I prize that you are so conscientious.

Me: thanks

Cliff: Can't we just hug now? Cliff: When we get together, I want to hug and enter you but not move for 5 minutes. I just want to be immersed.

Me: mmmmm...

Cliff: I don't feel emotionally at ease where I am in life and you are an oasis. Well, I am chatted out, I think. I am sitting here looking pleasantly at your little smiley faces and just not thinking. Hey....

Me: yes

Cliff: There is one thing.

Me: yes

Cliff: You were trying to tell me about something you were excited about at work last week when you lost connection. What was that

Me: 1. we finally got the doctors' group to sit down and work. 2. I got to the board of directors, at least 3 influential members, and presented a new structure for doctors' privileges. so now the board is working and moving in the direction I want it to go

Cliff: Wow!

Me: at least at first impression. I dunno how far and how long they'll work that way

Cliff: What kind of privileges?

Me: admitting privileges in the hospital for medical consultants

Cliff: Oh yes. The Cesarean issue

Me: yeah but that's just a small part of it. its the entire rewards and punishment set up

Cliff: Now that is deep.

Me: like, if the doctors don’t do what the hospital wants them to do, they don’t get to use the hospital facilities. Simple. finally the board sees it my way. I only hope it lasts

Cliff: What persuaded them

Me: reason, logic, the entire quality assurance structure, the iso accreditation. and other factors going my way, altho I’m not in the know. top top management stuff

Cliff: Make sure you also try to hook them by what they value subjectively; what they feel is vital like "rice bowl", reputation, legacy, overall hospital performance, real life impact on clients

Me: yeah, I’m formulating strategies based on those things

Cliff: What about your camera

Me: I still will buy a canon powershot. but I’m waiting for the price of the canon to go down remember

Cliff: We could video us doing it too

Me: I was planning on it. I have a Sony camcorder

Cliff: I love it.

Me: my sister's. I borrowed it. so you just wait

Cliff: I want to get a real good genital interaction shot so that you can see what I see.

Me: oooooh yeah

Cliff: Then we can watch it while we do it again. Well, with these arousing and pleasant thoughts, I should drift on downstairs and see what's happening.

Me: ok...

Cliff: Though I hate to sign off. Have a good day.

Me: u 2

He's flying in on the 13th and leaving on the 27th. That'll give us two consecutive weekends. What fun! LOL!