Lungkot

Lungkot is the Filipino word for sadness. That is what I felt this morning as I watched, out of the corner of my eye, as Freddy stared at me.

He was seated across me at the conference table. To all the world, my attention seemed caught up in my boss who was introducing the agenda. But I could see Freddy from out of the corner of my eye and felt a stab of loneliness as he turned to look at me, the look turning into a stare.

His eyes seemed to take in my face; I felt them on me, literally. And it made me feel so sad.

I kept my face immobile, staring with fixed attention at my boss. All throughout that meeting, I kept my eyes on whomever it was I was speaking to; never at him. At one point, I shared in a joke with those beside him and I turned my head and caught him looking at me.

Nakakalungkot.

Because if he were mine and he gave me that look, I would have caressed his face and given him a soft kiss. I would have hugged him and whispered "I love you!" in his ear as I fixed his tie (it had twisted around in the meantime).

Sweet. Tender. Silly.

Extremely out of reach.

This is the worst mood swing ever.