CDS: email exchange
I was surprised to find this in my Inbox. I didn't expect anything from Cliff for sometime.
Thinking of you and how you are doing. Transition back for me has been rough at first, but not as rough as I expected and got better with time. A lot of grief over losses. Was a hoot, though, if you could have seen me in the storage locker rummaging through my stored clothes and toiletries, changing my pants and shoes, repacking my suitcase, wondering if anyone would think I was nuts.My response:
I think I spent the last night I will spend in my old apartment. My wife was away when I got back. From now on I am rootless or a guest.
Seriously... How are you?
Write back. I won't be on Skype till Friday morning, your time at the earliest. How is the WH report coming? Let me know if it is too much.
Ciao,
Cliff
Dear Cliff,I wanted to say that since he knew what I knew he knew, then he was simply just waiting for someone better to come along. But I thought better of it. There's no point in putting any more pressure on the guy. Not right now.
It's good to hear from you. I dind't really know if you wanted to receive anything from me at this point.
I still have to start on the WH report but I'll have it for you by the end of the week or sooner. I don't think I'll have to add a lot to it, anyway, just titles.
I've been thinking of you, too. Wondering what you'll come home to, how you'll manage. But I suppose we all have to learn and re-learn many things over and over again in a lifetime. That doesn't make things easier, I know, but the point is, others have gone through things just as bad or even worse and survived. I suppose that makes it easier for me as I keep worrying about you. I do so want to make things easier for you.
After my class last Saturday, as I was standing on the platform waiting for the train, a wave of emotion suddenly washed over me. I was missing you badly. The feeling was so strong and so unexpected. I didn't know what had hit me or where it came from. I've never had that feeling before in my entire life.
That was scary.
And just this morning as I was in the shower, my mind went back to our last night together. You held my face in your hands as I sat on you. It felt so good, I remember now. You were so gentle yet I could feel the strength in your hands. I felt like my face was so small in your hands.
I felt secure with you at that moment, Cliff.
But you know what? I buried that emotion. I got so scared of the feeling and the realization that I buried it and ignored it. So when you said that that was the best lovemaking we've had so far, I said we've had better. I didn't get the point. I focused on the phsyical and ignored the emotional.
So I did exactly what you've been doing all your life. I walled in my feelings because I was scared of them. I didn't want to fall in love with you because I'm scared that you'll just leave me sometime in the future.
How did I develop this fear? I think it was because of all the moving I did with my family. You moved a lot, too. But the difference here is that I moved with my entire family and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it so much that I preferred it over developing long lasting relationships with anyone outside my family. And this got replicated in my adult life. I kept hopping from one job to the next, from one career to the next. I was without fear, I told myself smugly.
In reality, though, it was because of fear. I wouldn't commit to a job and leave because mostly, I didn't like the people I was getting to know, the job was becoming too difficult and I saw no reason to invest time and effort into it, or I just got plain bored. It was so easy for me to just up and leave and so the fear was never addressed.
I am scared of getting close to someone and getting hurt.
How do you get over it?
Just like any fear, I'm thinking, you have to face it.
I don't know what that means for me. Your situation is more complicated, I know. But I don't think that you can't face anything if you close yourself from loving other people in the fear that you might hurt them. You know this. And I know that you know this. It's a chicken-and-egg question.
Just something to think about.
Anyway.
I miss you a lot.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home