IM Chat 2: Cliff

Me: Hiya! Back from the snow covered peaks? How was the vacation?

Cliff: Yes, back from the snow covered peaks. Lots of snow. Lots of fun skiing down between trees and impossibly steep things. Got sore. Daughter had fun.

Me: That's good.

Cliff: Miss you.

Me: Miss you too. Can’t wait.

Cliff: Still a week away.

Me: I know. Too slow.

Cliff: Listen. I feel like I have this great need to talk to you, but I can't really say what it is that I need to talk about. Maybe this is connected to the urge to talk to you.

Me: Talk about what? Or just simply connect?

Cliff: But I don't really have a theme or coherent meaning to convey.

Me: No problem. Just go ahead.

Cliff: Maybe just need to get things off my chest. First of all, I feel like I want to actually talk. I don't know about this typing as a good way to do it.

Me: Only one way to find out.

Cliff: Bullets... The way people (me, I suppose) plow through life without stopping to deal with issues that trouble them.

• The need to be happy
• The attraction of experience and things vs. letting go of all attachment or desire.
• The potential to be happy with the strangest damn conditions and the difficulty of accepting those conditions and myself, for that matter.
• The ambiguity of the future and the looming image of inevitable broken-heartedness.
• The irritation with those around me who have various problems that just won't improve and that they don't take seriously enough to try to improve, leaving me just wanting to be done with them.
• The forces that tug at me between just rolling with whatever comes and trying to make sense of and control the details of life so that I am provident about my future - and these are real strong centers of gravity, not just minor perturbations.

Me: I think it's called mid-life crisis.

Cliff:

• The fact that a bigger and bigger part of my consciousness is on the other side of the world when I am here and that a huge part is always here no matter where I am.
• The fact that as I find myself spread across all these issues with no real resolution to the incongruities, no way to make sense out of the chaotic elements, that I am losing my own center in space and having to rely only on the other center of my spirit.

Vertigo. That is - I think - all the bullets, for the moment.

Me: Don’t you feel that you need to stop for a while and make sense of all these vital issues?

Cliff: Stop?

Me: Take a break from work, from everyone. Go off on your own. Find your center. That sort of thing.

Cliff: Goodness, no. Stopping disengages me from them and only by continuing on can I stay connected to them so that I have a chance of resolving them. I think the "off on my own" thing is something I have got to do every step of every day. It is hard. I haven't figured out how yet.

Me: I mean put some distance between yourself and the people who are involved in all these issues. And take stock.

Cliff: That would be you, my wife, the kids, my clients, my dog, my friends....not really gonna happen.

Me: You don’t think it'll help?

Cliff: I have to learn how to take stock on the fly.

Me: That’s too much. The price you pay is not worth the effort.

Cliff: Life will not stop without me and it won't stop for me. So, I got to deal... Maybe the talking to you is taking stock. Maybe I need a shrink. I think I pay the price if I am on my own in the wilderness or if I am not. The price is what it costs to be alive and aware.

Me: Why a shrink?

Cliff: A shrink? So, I can move beyond just processing this stuff to deciding about it and finding where I need to stand.

Me: And you need professional help to do that?

Cliff: Because I think I am supposed to stand somewhere. Or, maybe I am just supposed to roll with it and standing is for fools.

Me: No, you know you need to decide and take a stand. Putting it off makes it worse.

Cliff: Professional in the sense that the person is objective and informed and insightful and because they have no involvement with me will have to be paid to spend the time I need. Let me back up a minute. You think I do need to take a stand?

Me: Yes, as I think the problem starts and ends with making a decision.

Cliff: You know, I think I am afraid of the decisions that I would like to make because they are unorthodox and maybe don't look like decisions in other's eyes. And, I don't want to be fooling myself if they aren't real decisions either.

Me: does it matter what other people think? Are you afraid to appear to be escaping?

Cliff: Yes, that would be one fear. The other would be the fear of throwing the baby out with the bath water because I won't encompass shades of grey but insist that things are black and white.

Me: So there's your problem. You don’t want to recognize the shades of grey.

Cliff: My problem is that I don't want to be wrong.

Me: I know how that feels. But it can’t really be helped. Every decision you make, you take a risk.

Cliff: Accepting too many shades of grey is wimping out and settling for a compromise or an attempt to have your cake and eat it too. Rejecting any shades of grey results in simplistic thinking and needless loss, lack of creative solution finding, etc.

Me: So there has to be a balance. Isn’t that what life is all about? Achieving a balance? The decisions we make earlier in life create problems in the future. Our later decisions bring back balance to our life caused by our earlier decisions.

Cliff: Well, let me go back to my first bullet, "The way people (me, I suppose) plow through life without stopping to deal with issues that trouble them", and see what kind of balance I can strike. I have simply tried to carry on though I am deeply dissatisfied by my current relationship with my wife. Why? Because we have grown up together and have an enormous amount invested in each other and in the family we created. Yet, there is real shit wrong here!

Me: Yes, and you both know that. Even your kids sense that. So it's now time to take a stand. And you're having a real problem doing that… or getting there.

Cliff: But, I am not deciding on a course, just waiting for more developments. Maybe you are right. Yes, because I just can't be the cause of all the pain. I can't because I promised myself I wouldn't do harm the way my father did.

Me: Pain and sorrow, loss and suffering are all caused by some form of imbalance... and you are not your father. You’re a good man and a great dad. You can't see life in black and white. You do everyone a disservice if you persist in doing so, including yourself.

Cliff: So, then what to do? If I stop trying to get through each day and say, "wait a minute. This has got to be dealt with,” then I have to deal with all the other bullets I spat out just now.

Me: That's the whole idea. They’re all connected. You can’t deal with life piecemeal. And all these issues have piled up all these years. It’s time to deal with all of them.

Cliff: I find it hard to put into words the direction I could see myself taking. I think there is some fear or resistance about it. Maybe just that I haven't a clue whether I am crazy or even know what I am talking about.

Me: Are you? Don’t you?

Cliff: Let me try it out on you....and this is not anything more than a directional notion, half-baked, and just an idea about what I would like to do if I could wave a magic wand.

Me: Shoot.

Cliff: There are some contextual elements to list as parameters to breach or honor, but if I try to honor them I would try for this scenario, but the parameters first:

• I do love my wife and always will. But, it won't be more than platonic going forward, like a sister or dear, dear friend or close relative.


• I am coming aware of the fact that as she rediscovers her libido, I don't want that kind of relationship with her anymore. I don't, I never have, fantasized about sex with her and now I realize why. We never had that kind of chemistry, but just went through the motions and got real good at it.


• Yet, my wife is dependent upon me and for good reason. She gave her life to creating a home and family and she cannot financially survive on her own. We have a lot of affection for one another and don't drive each other nuts. In other words, we are not driven apart by our needs or personalities, but we aren't really qualified as lovers either.


• Finally, I don't know what is happening with her mental (or maybe it's physical) health, so I won't abandon her.

But, if I could have my way, I would be "divorced in place", if you will. I think we could simply be housemates for a time, maybe forever. But, I don't want to play a charade of a relationship in which she never gets her needs met, nor do I.

With different expectations in place, I want to work diligently at my profession and travel as I need. Mostly, I want to be free to develop the kind of loving relationship I have with you, where every time we talk, I get aroused, where I do fantasize because the chemistry is there, where I have the kind of companionship for recreational adventure that I crave.

I just don't want to cause destruction to have this and I don't know whether this is really a possible relationship for another person trying to deal with me. I am thinking that to make this work, I would likely need to change the structure of my living situation a lot. Downsize the house, cut costs, and cut the amount of personal time needed by me to manage it. A condo, let's say. Maybe a duplex house, half for my wife and half for me.

I want to develop my work in Asia because it is the direction of the world, my contacts are there now and so are you!!!

Me: You said: "I don't know whether this is really a possible relationship for another person trying to deal with me." What do you mean by that?

Cliff: Let me put it to you this way: if I am living in this kind of situation, with a platonic housemate with whom I am likely to continue a shared residence no matter what is going on in my life, would you want to be involved with me? I think that there are women who would prize the kind of independent relationship, where they don't talk marriage and they don't try living together because their lives are just too full of other obligations to make that work, but who really like to be together with the love of their life and do as much as they can together, given the circumstances. Am I nuts?

Me: No, as I don’t feel that marriage is for me. I just want to be with people I love. I want to have a child and if it's going to be with you, then that would be such a plus in my life. I do see that kind of relationship working for us. I dunno. Maybe I’m the one who's nuts. I’m the one who revels in all the shades of gray. I celebrate grey! I live for grey! LOL!

Cliff: Your middle name is grey.

Me: Emyn Grey.

Cliff: I love you

Me: Love you too!

Cliff: Who knows? My wife might reject such a scheme, as she is a black/white thinker.

Me: I’m sure she will. What then?

Cliff: But, as she develops her own interests, she might evolve. I don't think she is physically attracted to me anymore. She might even be gay and has speculated on it a bit, but thinks she is bisexual at heart. The more that she considers these things and the fact that I am not the kind of person who will be as devoted to constant interaction as she needs, the more I think she may opt for other means to meet her needs.

Me: Yes, that's a possibility.

Cliff: She has an interesting ability to see a very big picture and make intellectual choices that straddle many needs. However, if she really wants something specific, she is never happy that she has compromised no matter how powerful the logic she tries to operate by.

Me: So what are the possible outcomes?

Cliff: We live essentially divorced-in-place. Or, she rejects the idea and wants out of the household as well as the marriage. Or, she has a miraculous turnabout that makes her very happy an attracted to me, in a way that wins my trust and my heart and we enter a new phase in life. Or, we carry on awkwardly for a time until she finds a new relationship and arrangement and we split formally at that point.

Me: Which is the most probable?

Cliff: The second and the last ones, I think are the most probable, followed by the first and then the third. And, I don't want to wait around for the third option because I have been doing that for many years and not profitably for anyone.

Me: So how are these probable going to happen? Are you going to wait for things to further develop? Or are you going to take positive action?

Cliff: I need to see what this trip and her deep dive into a world of art that is really right for her do for her; where this experience leaves her. I need to get my daughter situated at college in September. The former will give me information. The latter marks the point at which I would feel free to take action. However, she and I could arrive at a decision before September, based on what she has learned and based on me getting more convicted of my parameters for the relationship.

I am very convinced, but I have not lived with the explicit acceptance of it long enough yet. I need to say it to someone.... you....and perhaps another trusted friend.

Me: So now there's structure to the whole thing. I feel better about it....

Cliff: Tell me more.

Me: I don’t feel like I’m floating somewhere in your life, adrift, no real value, no real identity in your life. I feel very ....real. I feel I have more meaning, or am now a more rounded person. I have an added aspect to me. And, yes, talking about the whole thing with another person will give you more perspective on the issue/s.

Cliff: You would have a place because I would be formalizing a basis for an explicit relationship with you.

Me: Ah, yes! My own corner of the sky

Cliff: And, I realize that by covering this issue, I have addressed all the bullets that I spat out before. They were all about giving myself permission to have what I want - not materially - but psychologically. To meet my needs, to respond to my temperament.

Me: Aha! So typing DOES help!

Cliff: Yeah, it does after all.

Me: Do you feel better?

Cliff: Yes, I do.

Me: Good.

Cliff: I feel more at peace. Thank you.

Me: I would really love to fuck you right now

Cliff: Oh yes. PLEASE! Several times over.

Me: Me on top!

Cliff: I want to suck you first. I want to lick you

Me: Just pleasing you and grinding down on you

Cliff: MMMmmmm

Me: It’s been too long.

Cliff: So, here is a speculative question. Under the scenario that I have painted, and assuming that by the time my Philippine work comes to an end you have not gotten sick of me, would you consider relocating to be close by?

Me: Relocate...residence? Work?

Cliff: I know. All that and more, I suppose. I don't know what is real. But, I have this fantasy that I end up moving to the West Coast because I love it and because it is closer to Asia. Perhaps even further into the realm of fantasy, if you remember we were playing at the notion of working together after you build your credentials as a change agent/OD type at the hospital. In which case, we would be traveling together, I guess. But, I don't do all my work in Asia and who knows where the future goes. Anyway, I am not trying to commit you to something, just wondering if it is in the realm of possibilities.

Me: Relocating would not be a problem, I suppose. It’s just a question of what's possible and if all my professional obligations have been fulfilled. And, yes, "realm of possibilities" sounds good.

Cliff: This is what I love about you...I don't feel like I am crazy.

Me: Maybe because we're both crazy!!!!

Cliff: In the same way. How convenient.

Me: Yes, extremely. And I am looking forward to sharing a life with you, no matter how unorthodox.

Cliff: We are sharing life already. And, it is kind of unorthodox.

Me: It's exciting and strange and exotic and promising in all aspects--all on a very individual level. I mean, the "couple" concept is so different.

Cliff: Yes, I think I get that. Though, it has been so long since I wasn't a couple. Emyn, the road from here is going to be bumpy and unpredictable. I don't really know what will happen, though I am clearer about what I want. I don't know what my clients will do. I don't know if you would really thrive in my geography.

We would need to explore more than sex and intellect together to learn how far we can go into a coupled relationship. Though, if we don't have a script for what it's supposed to look like, then wherever we get to will be fine, I guess. If I ended up with constant work in Manila and was there every month, had an apartment and we have the relationship we have now only more consistent and with more time together each month, would you also be happy with that?

Me: Yes, I’d be happy with that. I’ve thrived in various geographies before, although not as radical as your eastern states but I’m sure that my adaptive skills won’t let me down in the future. And yes we have to explore other frontiers in our relationship. I like exploring. I like being on this ride called life…although in my case, it's called the starship enterprise. LOL!

Cliff: I could teach you kayaking and hiking, mountain biking. You could teach me badminton. And also Tagalog.

Me: And I could teach you basic life-saving protocols, like when someone gets a severe attack of asthma because of all the kayaking and hiking and biking on top of all that fucking. LOL!

Cliff: Oh yes. And, promise me that you will stay in shape and I will too. We are going to want our stamina.

Me: I can’t wait to be with you again

Cliff: I leave on Saturday morning. Can you come a bit earlier on Friday? Maybe in time for dinner?

Me: You're coming home to me. Isn’t that great! I’ll leave early on Friday. Be there by 7 or 8pm.

Cliff: I want to have long lazy sex with you. In the morning I want to eat breakfast and then go back to bed with you until lunch and just languish around in each other. After lunch, more of the same.

Me: mmmmmmm.....

Cliff: I have a meeting until 7, so 7:30 to 8 would be perfect.

Me: Ok, I’ll see you then. Bye, sweetie.

Cliff: Have a nice lunch.