State of things: email to Myles

My dearest Myles,

So sorry for being unresponsive.

My excuses:

1. Depressed over Cliff's situation
   
   He is undergoing a divorce. Actually, they are still to discuss things with the lawyer. Since this is an amicable settlement, it is not going to be complicated. Still, they need to file in court.
   
   Cliff is in a very depressed state. It's going to take a few years before he gets straightened out in this.
   
   His main problem: Fear of getting close to people because he fears the pain of loss of people he has invested his feelings in.
   
   His mindset about primary relationships: He is incapable, at the moment, of maintaining primary relationships.
   
   His strategy: Will not get into primary relationships until he is capable of doing so.
   
   Our present relationship: Primarily as friends, no commitments beyond the here-and-now, with an eye on developing into something more long-term.
   
   Our strategy: Learn together (in both professional and personal life), have fun together, work together, help each other make a lot of money.


2. No energy to go online and email updates.
   
   Thursday and Friday, went with Cliff to his interviews. My job: take notes on the replies. considering that the subject matter was very touchy and philosophical (the interviews elicited information needed for a visioning session), the answers were very serious and required a lot of reading between the lines. And considering also that the interviewees were top executives, the job required all my focus and attention. After two days of that, I was bone tired.
   
   Not to mention that I got my period on Thursday.
   
   Saturday, I went to class, which was also very tiring because I participated actively, engaged actively, and was just very active despite my period. Not to mention that it was very hot. The difference in temperature, from an aircon room to the hot and humid air outside just drains you of every drop of energy you can muster to produce.
   
   When I got back to the hotel, all I could do was crash. No energy even to lift up my celfone and check messages. So I just put my fone on silent. But then, I forgot to turn it back and never changed it till this morning.

OVERALL STATE OF MIND: SAD.

I was a fool to think that I'd have something, finally, with Cliff. Of course, going through this pain in his life, he cannot at the moment see anything positive about anything. When he goes back to the US this Saturday, he has no home to return to, whether the family he's been used to or a physical dwelling. He's going to be living with friends; he's going to worry about his younger daughter who's going off to college and his dog. On his birthday, he and his wife are going to face the lawyer and discuss things.

In all, it's just a mess for him. And I can't do anything to make it all work out right for him.

So here I am, once again inventing diversions, deluding myself that things will turn out okay for me.

I've been given permission by my boss to go off a couple of days at a time to join Cliff in his projects. I explained that Cliff has been coaching me in OD and now wants to take me on as an intern. There will be no salary, just allowances to cover bus fare and meals. Fiction, of course, as Cliff intends to include my services in his payment scheme.

I'm hoping that this working relationship with Cliff grows into something profitable. If it does, then perhaps I can change my present full-time employment to a consultancy arrangement. But that's thinking too far ahead. In the meantime, I just have to put my emotions on hold and proceed on logic, just as before.

Be well!