Left behind

Six months ago, OF and I started a formation program for the hospital's middle managers. OF designed it as a self-discovery program with the ultimate objective of uplifting these people's self-esteem and, of course, empowering them. It was not a fancy program of the type that management consultancies commercialize to the corporate world; it was one tailor-made to fit the participants. It ran for six months and what we achieved cannot be adequately described in words.

Suffice it to say that what we achieved went well beyond what we set out to do. All my gut feelings about what these people could do were validated, and more; OF was simply amazed.

Today, we held a "graduation" ceremony for those who finished the program. It was truly a first for the hospital and even in the city. This much top management conceded.

Again, I started it. Granted, OF designed the program, but then again, I paved the way for its realization.

Why am I writing this? Again, because I feel so lost.

After the graduation dinner, I was standing outside the resto saying goodbye to people who were leaving early. Inside, the younger set was already singing to the videoke machine. Freddy was standing beside me; he was leaving early as well -- going home to his kids.

Myles was leaving -- not for home, but for the States.

EB was also leaving; his contract had been terminated. Rudely. But that belongs to another post. Starting January next year, he will no longer be getting on the bus weekly for the hospital.

CRL will also be leaving sometime February or March next year for Australia.

I noticed that I had wrapped my arms around myself. I was hugging myself -- tightly.

Everyone was leaving. They're leaving me behind and living their life. And I'm not part of any one of those lives. I'm simply not part of anyone's life.

I kept looking around at the small crowd of friends that had gathered at the doorway, their faces already seemingly far away. I couldn't share in the smiles. In retrospect, I now realize that I was looking for a hug or an arm around my shoulders. I was desperate for assurance. My eyes fell on Freddy's face. All I could see were the faces of his children. There was no assurance to be had there.

All these words. And all I want to say is that I'm lonely.