Perspective

Reading the past few entries, I realize that the problem lies in how I've been viewing the problem.

All my adult life, I've waited for someone like Freddy to come along. Nada. Then I meet Freddy and I knew that it was a lost cause.

So now, I am staring at the rest of my life and wondering: What the hell am I supposed to do now?

The rest of my life. It looks like a winding road white under the moonlight. It's a very pretty scene, with woods and forests dotting the landscape. It's a very long road ahead.

But the destination has been reached. There's no other end in sight. It's just a matter of travelling from one diversion to the next.

All that's left is to refine what I already am. There is no more to me. This is it. This is me.

And after all that talk and lab tests, I don't think I will choose to have a child.

There is an end, of course. This life will end in death, like every other life. But between here and there, I have no idea what I'm going to do.

I could embrace this nothingness. I can make it exciting. But my heart is tired of amusing myself. I never thought I'd say this, but I want to settle down. In the most traditional way. A husband, kids, a home.

I wish I could go with my ma when she finally leaves this world. It would only be proper for the child to go with the mother.