Closer

A lot of things have happened since I last posted. For one, Freddy and I have become closer. So close, in fact, that I'm beginning to get scared. Of what? Responsibility. I'm not the most sensitive person in the world. I have no capability to handle emotional intimacy. I get scared of emotions and Aha! moments.

I'm scared that, should Freddy choose to share with me an emotional moment and open up to me, I woudn't know what to do. We've become so vulnerable to each other that the possibility of pain and missed meanings is now so very, very real. Once, he's shared a frustration with a colleague that he claims he hasn't shared with anyone else. Besides his wife, I suppose. And twice, he's shared with me his frustrations and fears at work, stating that he needed someone to talk to. It was me he thought of. And one of those times, he hadn't told even his wife yet.

Scary. I am scared of emotional intimacy.

Friends have told me about his rep as a top honors student in class and the proverbial pressure from parents to always be the best. My childhood, in turn, can be found at the other end of the spectrum. Although my parents urged us to do well, there was no pressure to scale the heights of the academic ladder. (Or any ladder, for that matter. We were brought up in an organized jungle of fun in learning.)

With that kind of upbringing, I wouldn't be surprised if the poor guy's all burned out at this point. So now, he's just looking for love and appreciation for what he is, not what medal he's brought home for show.

I'm thinking, another door has opened in my universe and this is an area of my self that I believe needs to be developed before I go on to the next level. Perhaps this is my karmic debt and Freddy is a link to failures in past lives. Very intriguing.