Nobody knows...

Boy, this is hard. I fear writing to you is unfair because you are in such pain. I am in pain just feeling what you are going through. I am in pain because of what I am going through. I don't like ambiguity when it comes to relationships, yet this one of the key lessons of my life now: to accept it.

I feel very responsible for having pulled into the circle where all this confusion and hurt exists. I want to make it better in the worst way. Part of my distorted thinking was the rationalization that I could just carry on with you without having an honorable resolution to my relationship with my wife, my life partner for all these years. It wasn't fair to her, nor to you. I was a coward in that I couldn't face the shame of a failed marriage and a broken home for my children. I had vowed this would never be my fate because of what my parents did to me. I buried the need to avoid facing this possible shame so deep I was able to rationalize having my cake and eating it too. There was nothing wrong with meeting you for sex the first time. But, from that point forward I should have been honest because I knew what my relationship with my wife was doing to me and her. But, I wouldn't even allow into my consciousness the violation to my own values and principles due to my behavior. I ignored the reality of how much I was violating the relationship I had with my family and their expectations of me.

Please hear/see this very clearly, my dear: I love you. We are each others'. I don't know what that means in the long run, but we have shared/communed more than our bodies now and "friend for life" doesn't feel adequate to describe it. I would love to just roll in your embrace and be in that state of commune right now. It hurts to know that I can't - we can't - for the time being. For, I need now to do the honorable thing, which is to spend time, guided by a therapist, to sort out what there can be in a relationship for my wife and me. This is truly an ambiguous time. I know clearly that she and I have always shared and still do share spiritual and daily living values, a sense of aesthetics and of what constitutes friendship and community, parenthood and grandparenthood someday. But, I am very clear that we have never shared personality interests like recreation, travel, sport, physical expression. She was always a good and spiritually valuable choice as a mate, but not really what I wanted. We would have had to have shared all of the above for it to be a "want" and not just a "good". I never could get over my own shame to admit this. I now know the reasons why (but that is another discussion). All this I need to explore further, with her and for her as well as for me, so that we can arrive at what we will keep and what we will change going forward.

Emyn, I don't know for sure if all these insights will hold or develop further. I do know that it is my primary task in the coming weeks to get to the bottom of it all and to a resolution of it all. Until then, I won't be in a position to be more definitive with you.

I do know this - and want you to hear/see this too: What we have had, lives with me still and does not feel like the past. It does not feel false, even though the timing and context were not right. I do not feel that our path together has ended, nor that we even know where it goes. Can you stay in this ambiguous place and wait for me to take care of my stuff in the meantime? I can understand if you can't. I wish I wasn't asking this of you. I wish I hadn't rationalized my way into a fucked up reality that has caught you off guard. I am keeping you in my thoughts and heart and sending you peace and light. I beg you not to lose hope or optimism about you life and opportunities. No matter what, I will be in your corner.

Love,

CDS

(p.s. please send me your new phone number. Please feel free to tell me not to use it until you are ready. I won't burden you with more messages until then. And, I only risked this one because I thought it might help.)

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I will wait.

Emyn