Email exchange 2: Cliff

From Cliff

Yeah but... here's the thing. The closeness I felt was yours. The warmth I feel here is the familiar and the completeness of it all as a whole life. But there is stress and the stress is more obvious to me all the time. This "completeness" is one of home, friends, community, and all the trappings. But it is flawed and there is tension in that. There is no sexual spark, no passion, no driven energy to connect and release. And there is the long running set of discontinuities of style that were just differences to embrace until the romance went away. Now there is effort and strain and sighs. Am I lonely? No. But I am distressed and confused and I don't like it and don't know what I am doing about it.

So, though I rest here I am not at rest. The I am here, my heart is all over the place. And I do not feel secure and warm all over, I merely feel on familiar ground and there is some comfort in that, but I wouldn't call it security.

I am so sorry you are so lonely. I think I am causing that to get more acute, am I not?

I am processing in public and perhaps that is too much information. For now, I shall go percolate quietly and try to avoid being too transparent because it is becoming more obvious to others and I am not ready for it.

Your hormones are pardoned. The thought of them makes me lusty.

Cliff

From me

Yes, you are distressed and I feel bad that I can't remedy that. I received your text message this morning as I was getting ready for work. Do you contribute to my loneliness? It was already there when I met you; I don't think you make it any worse. I'm happy when I can spend some time with you, outside of my lonely universe. I create a parallel universe with you in it and in that universe, I'm happy, secure, warm, loved, and able to love completely.

Yes, completely. I complete my own universe. I play and fight and love on my own rules. And so, I live on my own rules. Does this mean I don't need you? No, it means much more than that. It means that, because you believe in me, I am able to formulate a meaning for myself and work to complete that meaning, whether or not you are in that world where the meaning is played out.

I believe that is what is called the power of love.

My hormones thank you for your consideration, although they are being pretty hard on me lately. It feels more and more difficult to have my period every time.

Miss you lots.

Emyn